Ask Mollie: Kids Required?

Dear Mollie,

My husband and I have no kids due to infertility. We are in the process of adoption but until we are match and have our child we really don’t fit in with most military families. I feel like everyone is walking on eggshells around me. My question for you is how do we fit in with other families in his unit without us having kids?

— Stephanie

Dear Stephanie,

When we lived on base it was like everywhere I turned there were kids and new moms. My husband and I made a decision not to have kids until we had achieved a few personal goals. It seemed like wives and moms constantly asked me, “When are you two going to have kids?” The pressure was unbearable. I would get so aggravated when they would not take, “I’m just not ready yet.” as the answer. Many moms would get angry at my response, like my personal biological clock was their business or that we not being ready for children was a personal offense to them because they had kids. I took everything personally. I felt judged by them. When we left base that pressure was off me and I felt relieved. Then I noticed something a lot of that pressure was not meant in malice. I had just perceived it that way. I made it personal. I just thought everyone was pressuring me.

I tell you this because I think you are interpreting other people’s reactions towards you wrong. You may be giving off a defensive vibe to them. To them you may not seem approachable.

I encourage you to join a support group of women going through infertility, I think it would be great for you to have someone to talk with that “gets” what you are going through. I had many friends on base that were newly weds with no kids, moms with tons of kids, and even a few who had chosen to never have kids. There are tons of military wives you can connect to. One mom told me something that really stuck with me, “Mollie, I love just talking with you on the phone because I don’t have to always talk about kids. I can actually have a conversation about other things.”  I encourage you to change your attitude and perspective next time you hang with the wives in the unit; you maybe surprised at how the change in your attitude may influence the relationships.

Many prayers.



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